MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

It’s that time of year, and since I haven’t been invited to any New Year’s Eve parties, what else can I do but muddle through some resolutions I’ve been thinking about.

1. A teacher at my high school told me that I should become president of the United States. (Well in truth she told that to the entire class.) I guess I took her at her word. It’s why I went to law school, which was the most terrible decision I ever made. (Sometime soon I’ll describe my first day at Harvard Law School. It was all downhill after that.) So…

I will not run for president

2. Another high school teacher of mine suggested I consider becoming a priest because I did well in Latin class. Now it’s true that most of our teachers were nuns, so there’s that. Honestly, I think the real reason for her suggestion was that I was so pathetic when it came to romantic relationships. That problem hasn’t improved as I aged, but neither has my piety. So…

I will not enter the seminary

3. I continually embarrass my daughter Lydia on so many levels with bad Dad jokes, age inappropriate behavior and half assed plans and schemes. So…

You gotta be shitting me! A father exists only to embarrass his daughter, and if I’ve managed nothing else I’ve become an expert in daughter embarrassment! No resolution here

4. My daughter Lydia chastises me because, in her view, I can sometimes be a cynical old curmudgeon. So…

What? What the hell is there to be optimistic about? Some Americans believe that the government uses Covid vaccines to inject tiny robots into out bodies. A significant number of our fellow citizens believe that the 2020 presidential election was “stolen,” and the ex-president they think was robbed now markets eCards with his head photoshopped on the bodies of comic book superheroes to these same people for $99! Sorry, Lydia; no resolution here

Well so much for New Year’s resolutions for me. I hope you have better luck with yours. So…

Here’s to a better 2023 (I know the bar is pretty low)

Happy New Year!