CDC ADVISES OLDER AMERICANS TO STAY HOME

I’m b-a-a-a-c-k! Im sure those of you who know me fully expected that I would begin this blog with my usual enthusiasm, only to disappear. I completely understand your skepticism. I’m good at disappearing.

But I have an excuse. I’ve been hunkering down as the new apocalypse sweeps over us: COVID-19.

I’ve never believed that we should rely on our government to get much right. There’s no accountability driving our civil servants to seek perfection. But recent events lead me to believe that our government has lifted itself into a new level of incompetence.

Yesterday I tuned into CNN to find out what was the calamity of the day. There, at the bottom of the screen, was the following headline:

CDC ADVISES OLDER AMERICANS TO STAY HOME

Has the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention lost its collective bureaucratic mind? I could see it all unfold. The economies of Florida, Arizona and Palm Springs, California would collapse. Cities there would become ghost towns as their older residents obediently cowered behind their closed doors. What’s worse, the few citizens not considered “older” would face an impossible and potentially gruesome task. You see, as time passed, we older Americans, most of whom pay close attention to what we are told by our government, would dutifully stay home until our meager supplies ran out, at which time we would meekly cease to exist. I wouldn’t want to be a younger American in those places forced to deal with the aftermath.

I’m also selling my Red Lobster stock. The company has no chance to survive when its “early bird” customers no longer flock (god, I love wordplay) to its doors at 4:00 pm.

There could be a silver (again, I love wordplay) lining to this advice. We may have to call off the 2020 Presidential Election, since the three remaining candidates are well into their seventies, and must remain home. I know there will be conspiracy theorists who might see this as an effort to keep President Trump in office. After all, would vote for a candidate who defied the orders of the CDC?

There’s one other benefit to these instructions, but it applies only to me. Now, when my daughter Lydia calls to inquire why I’m not getting out into the world as I should, I’ll refer her to the CDC website. And of course wash my phone with soap and water afterward.